Crazy FBI

So, I had sent off for my FBI clearance on March 3rd.  The great news is that I received it back 4 weeks after sending in for it.  Pretty quick!    The bad news is that they spelled my last name wrong.  UGH!  Will figure out how to get that fixed next week so I have it all ready to send in after Trip 1, in preparation for trip 2.
Leaving for Moscow 3 weeks from today for Trip 1.  So looking forward to meeting my referral and making this all real - finally.

Hoping, praying, holding on

So, I received 2 pictures with birth and current measurements for my referral earlier this week.  She is a sweet little angel and looks so happy.  Definitely a few concerns that cannot be resolved until I see her in person with Dr. M so I am totally driving myself crazy worrying about FAS right now.  Carol has been great trying to keep me level headed and calm until I make the trip in 5 weeks but that is going to be a LONG 5 weeks.  Does she or doesn't she have a pronounced enough philtrum?  Does she or doesn't she have enough upper lip?  What happened with her birth mother?  I thought just the plain ol' waiting was hard... now I am waiting with so many questions swirling in my head.  I am just praying for clarity in that moment when I am called to make a decision.  It is all I can do I suppose.

What if I turn her down and come home without a referral?  Every day, Russia grows more and more difficult, particularly for single parents.  I guess I need to prepare myself that this door could close.  I am so blessed with sweet monkey Clare so I will be happy and proud to be her mother alone but I so want her to be a big sister and to share her life with a sibling.  I have always thought it would be a sister.  Am I willing to consider a little boy?  Do sons need fathers?  I know so many boys who don't have dads - whether it is from divorce or adoption or tragedy.  Other single moms I know with boys are doing just great.  Could I?

So many questions - no answers right now.  Hoping, praying, holding on...

Keeping Busy

6 weeks left until I leave for Moscow!  In the meantime, Clare has started soccer.  First game was today for Team Portugal and #4!  What pure entertainment to watch 3-years olds running around the soccer field.  Couldn't ask for a better distraction from the torture of waiting...

New Travel Dates

God has a plan!  WOOHOO!  I have new travel dates for an amazing little angel in the Moscow region.  It has been a long week with some serious lows but all things happen for a reason.  Carol called me yesterday with news of a referral for me in Moscow and confirmed today that I am cleared to arrive on Sunday, April 24 (Easter) and will meet this darling on Monday.  I changed my flights today, changed the dates on my visa, and sent off for FBI clearance.  Carol and the CSS team have been so amazing and supportive during a really difficult time.  I feel super blessed to have them working so hard on my behalf.   Long journey yet ahead but am excited and hopeful and ready to meet my new daughter.  Can you believe it?  For those of you that have been on the emotional roller coaster with me this past week - thank you for the love and support and certainly for the prayers.  I have the best family and friends in the world!

Lost referral

So, short post.  The judge in Kaluga is opposed to single parents.  Heartbroken....

As one adoptive mom reminded me today - I need to pray for doors that should be closed to close and for those that should be opened to open wide!  I pray for little Magdalena to be brought into the loving arms of her forever family soon.  It was only for a short time but I already had opened my heart full of love to that little angel.  She is going to be an amazing daughter for the right family.  I just wasn't meant to be her mommy.

Wherever my daughter is, I am sending love and prayers her way.  Hold on sweet one.  I am here - waiting to be brought to you.  Our time will come.   I love you already!

Travel Dates!

So, on Thursday, Carol called and gave me travel dates to meet a referral in Kaluga.  Don't want to share more information than that just yet.  But so excited.  Leaving on Saturday, March 12 and will meet a little angel on Monday, March 14th.  Some awesome friends here in Nashville are going to take good care of Clare while I am away for that week.  Received birth measurements and basic medical today.  Hope to get more information later this week with some potential pictures next week.  In the meantime, I am booking my flights, getting my visa, and getting ready to go!  HOORAY!

What makes waiting bearable?

The wait continues.  The trip to Moscow for February 7th didn't work out as hoped.  That is okay though.  I have complete faith in the process.  All of this just means that the little girl we discussed was not meant to be my daughter.  Latest news is that I might have some fun updates in March so that keeps me hopeful.

So - what makes the wait bearable?  One simple word - Clare.  Here are 2 pics of her- one from Christmas and one from her 3rd birthday party at the end of January.  She is going to be such an amazing big sister!  She gives me purpose and fills my life with love.  She is a constant reminder that no matter how tough the journey, it is worth it in the end!