The wait continues!

I won't go into all the details but yes - still waiting.  I have been home 3 months since Trip 1 to Moscow and am anxious to get back for Trip 1 (round 2).  I am hopeful for good news in early August.  Please keep your fingers, toes, knees, eyes and whatever other body part you choose crossed for good luck.  Prayers certainly welcomed as well.

And for my little one, out there waiting patiently too, hang on sweet one!  Your mommy will be there soon to love you for a lifetime (and your big sister Clare is ready to meet you and probably boss you around for a lifetime too)!

The agony of choice

Just wanted to post a quick update.  I am really close to finally having my dossier back up to speed and ready to be submitted again.  My medical took much longer than expected which has been the primary hold-up.  Now I am just waiting for my apostilled birth certificates and I am good to go!  How funny that I needed to update my birth certificates - as if they will somehow have changed.  Anyway - just the red tape that goes along with international adoption.  So - I hope to have it sent back off to Carol for the week of June 20th - 2 months after my first trip to Moscow.  Then the wait begins again.  I guess that isn't 100% accurate since truly I have been waiting since I got back.  Regardless of that - the time has been good for me and I feel like I have accomplished quite a bit.

There are so many wonderful things about building your family through international adoption but for me - choice has definitely not been one of those wonderful things.  In fact - choice has made this such a rough road this time around.   The choice I made in Moscow, turning down my referral was the hardest decision of my life.  It was the right decision for me, for Clare, for that sweet angel and for the parents who are waiting for her to find them.  Doesn't lessen the pain though.  So when I came back I gave a lot of thought to this idea of choice.  I felt somehow in control because we have the appearance of choice in our adoption journeys.  We get to choose the country, choose our agency, choose the gender of our child, choose the age range, choose the ethnicity, choose the types of medical issues which are acceptable.   After my first trip to Moscow, I questioned - is the choice really mine anyway?  I am not sure it is.  My child is out there waiting for me.  I need to turn this over to God.  So I decided to give up my choice - at least in terms of gender which has been a huge decision point for me in the past.  I decided to let God bring me to my child.  So -  Carol and I talked and I have opened my heart to the possibility of a little boy.  Well, it is probably better to say, I have opened my heart for God to show me the path - boy or girl.  I will stay registered in the Moscow region but Carol mentioned St. Pete's might be a possibility too so I am sending in 2 dossiers this time around.    Since then, I converted the nursery from a pink safari to a brown safari.  I suppose a girl still could be in my future but I felt the need to really get myself ready for a son and having that nursery done was a huge emotional step and really helped me to start wrapping my mind around parenting a boy as a single mom.  It is so funny how that nursery plays a role in our adoption journeys, isn't it?  Sometimes the painful reminder of our wait.  Sometimes, the stress point if we don't have it done and ready.  For me this time around, an emotional hurdle I needed to cross to feel as if a boy was really, truly a possibility.  It is just paint and pictures and furniture but what an impact.  Anyone else know what I mean?

This journey has definitely challenged me emotionally and spiritually but I am in a great place  Certainly I still have my freak out moments about parenting 2 crazy kiddos by myself but every parent goes through that - single or married.  The excitement, anticipation, and love far outweighs the nerves.

Here we go again.  Hopefully I will have travel news for sometime in August or September.  I have no idea on timing.  Until then I will enjoy the summer with Clare, be happy the cicadas in Nashville are finally dying off, and just keep praying for God to protect and watch over my child, wherever he or she is, until we are brought together.

Searching...

It has been a long journey.  I am heading back to Nashville without an accepted referral.  We have changed our flights and leave tomorrow instead of Saturday.  Today, I turned down what everyone considers a perfectly healthy little girl.  I don't know why.  I am at a loss for words to explain it.  All I know is that when I looked at her, when I held her, even when that sweet angel fell asleep in my arms today, I just knew in my heart that she wasn't my daughter.  Is it 2nd child syndrome as Svetlana believes?  Is it that I hadn't allowed myself to believe she was healthy for so long that I couldn't open myself up to her even when all the signs indicated she was perfectly healthy?  Is it something else altogether?  I knew doors might close for me.  I never imagined I would be the one to close one though.

I believe I made the right decision about my referral although I might never understand it.  I also believe that CSS will bring that sweet angel to her true parents.   I hold on to the faith that the right child will be brought to me (or me to her/him as the case may be).

Thanks to everyone for your love and support.

Happy Easter from Moscow

We are here!  Mom and I landed in Moscow with no problems.  Other than being 10hrs long, the flight was just fine.  My translator, Tanya, met us at the airport along with my driver, Alexander.   Tanya shared that she will be my translator for all 3 trips which is great!  I don't have a picture yet but will get one tomorrow. We got to the Courtyard around noon.  Tanya showed us where the market was, how to walk to Red Square, etc.  She is also very concerned about how expensive everything is in Moscow so she strongly recommended we try to eat as much as possible at McDonalds.  She subsequently proceeded to give me directions to 3 McDonalds - all within walking distance of the hotel.   I appreciate her looking out for my best interests (and my pocketbook) as international adoptions can put a dent in the pocketbook for sure.

So, once Tanya left - mom and I headed down to Red Square.  What an amazing site!  The pictures 1) are not great and 2) do not do it justice.   Now, we are back at the hotel, unpacked and trying to decide which of the 3 McDonalds to hit for dinner.  Just kidding!  We are trying to decide where to go for dinner but it won't be Mickey D's - not yet anyway.

Tomorrow, Tanya and Alexander pick us up at 10am to go to the Ministry of Education and then off to meet my referral - about a 2hr car ride from Moscow.  I don't do well in cars, especially in the backseat, so 4hrs a day should be sheer joy for me.  I bought these Seaband wrist things before I left.  They say they cure all kinds of motion sickness, including car - I will find out soon enough.

My next post will be end of day tomorrow - hopefully with good news about my referral.  

For now - here are some pics from the journey so far. 

Baba in front of St. Basil's in Red Square

Beautiful St. Basil's - loaded with tourists on Easter Sunday

Lenin's Tomb

The market where we bought water and Pringles!

Off to the airport

It is 6:15am and my mom and I are off to the airport.  I just checked online and our flight is 3hrs delayed already (must be weather in DC).  I am going to the airport anyway to see if there are other flights.  Had a 5 hr layover to start with so we still have 2hrs of cushion but if they are already predicting bad weather - I am really concerned.  Well - nothing I can do now but hope and pray!  Will talk to everyone from Moscow.

Okay - update at 10:15am.  Still in Nashville.  Thankfully the plane is delayed because the crew needed a certain amount of rest between flights or something crazy so while I am not happy that it was delayed.  It is a time-bound delay so we should get to DC with about 2 hrs free.    Hope to be on the plane in about an hour from now.   Heard from Heather and Clare had a good first night with the Robertsons.  So far, so good!  2 hr flight to DC, 10 hr flight to Moscow, one more night of sleep and I will be meeting my referral!

Update # 2 - In DC at 3pm.  Having a quick late lunch at Harry's Tap Room.  Taking off for Moscow in about 2hrs.  Have a few minutes to post a couple pictures.  So - yesterday when I was dropping Ginger off at doggie boarding (Dogtopia), the owner was telling me about his time studying abroad in Moscow and to stay far away from the men in black track suits - typically Russian Mob.  Well, to my surprise, I wake up this morning, ready to hit the airport and what do you think my mom is wearing - a beautiful black track suit.  She thought she was auditioning for the Sopranos or something.  Check it out!  Hysterical!  Love my mom!  If anyone bothers us in Moscow, my polish-portuguese bodyguard will be sure to take care of it! Paka!

Happy Birthday Joseph Michael Reardon

What a great day!  I am officially an aunt!  Baby Joseph Michael Reardon was born to proud parents Michael and Holly around 6:30am, weighing in at a beautiful 8lbs14oz, about 21 inches long, with black curly hair and a gorgeous little face.  What an angel and a total blessing.  Poor Holly was in labor about 60 hours - a mother's sacrifice for the love of her life.   Happy to report Holly and Joseph are both doing great and resting comfortably now - everyone getting to know each other.  A room filled with joy, peace and love.  8 days from now, I am hopeful that I too will be holding my child in my arms - filled with that same joy, peace, and love.   Wrote a few quick lines about some of the feelings and thoughts on my heart right now...  Thanks for letting me share.

Child of mine, not born of my body, yet always in my heart,
do you know that you are loved, although time and miles keep us apart?
The waiting, the distance, the questions never-ending...
I remain hopeful in God's plan for us, steadfast and unbending.
Hold on dear one, while others keep you in their care.
I will be there soon with love, with warmth, with a life to share.
To hold you, to comfort you, to kiss away your tears!
A mother's wish - to protect her child - from pain, from hurt, from fears.
The time is near, dear little one, for our life to begin with peace and love and joy.
One more question on my heart - will you be a girl?  or a boy?

Ha!  Hope you all didn't mind me sharing just a little of what is on my heart these days.  8 more days.

Happy Birthday Joseph Michael and welcome to the family!

2 more weeks

2 weeks from today I will be on my way to Moscow.  It is funny how this happens.  You have so much time to prepare and then as the time comes closer, you feel so unprepared.  So much to do.  Need to make my list and just start crossing things off.  Cannot wait!