Gotcha Day #3

As I continue to wait patiently (or not so patiently) to bring home my 2nd child,  what a tremendous break in the stress to be able to celebrate Gotcha Day #3 with my Sweet Monkey Clare.  On September 2, 2008, in Uralsk, Kazakhstan, we officially became a family and Fatima Ibatova became Clare Fatima Reardon - my daughter!  She is the most amazing, funny, beautiful, smart, caring, observant, ballet-loving, mermaid-addicted little angel and I am so in love!  Being her mom is the most amazing gift and I treasure her each and every day.  Love you Clare!  Now let's get you a brother or a sister already!!

Our first picture together

Sweet Clare - the first day we met

3 years later and a total Kazakh Beauty!

And it all begins again...

Spoke with Carol and the unthinkable happened (again).  When will I begin to  "think the unthinkable" before it actually happens to me to avoid this situation?  Anyway, I learned this morning that my referral was shared with a Russian family who (of course) fell in love with him and found their son.  I have faith and am holding on to the belief that this little angel was meant for them and not me, despite the love and attachment I had already started to feel.  Did I mention that on the heels of learning  that I lost this referral, Carol mentioned they had a 4th referral for me?  What a crazy morning!  It has been a really tough day.  Really really tough.  Puffy, red eyes and lots of kleenex.  The hardest part is trying to sort through all the emotions.   The dismay that this happened.  The sadness that this little boy was not truly my son.  The hope that this new referral might be my child.  The fear that I will lose another referral.  The joy when I look at the picture of my new referral.  The anticipation of traveling in a few weeks.

Anyway, instead of leaving this Saturday to meet a sweet, beautiful, healthy little boy.  I am leaving in 3 weeks on Sept 24th to meet a sweet, beautiful healthy little girl.  I haven't fully processed everything yet.  At this point, I am still just trying to breathe, to let myself have time to think it all through - to let my heart catch up to my life.

Carol and I should speak later this week on more details (hopefully) related to the referral.  For now - I am trusting in God's plan for me - however difficult it may be to comprehend.

Over the moon!

I received a new referral and travel dates today.  I will be traveling to Moscow on Saturday September 3rd to meet my new referral on Monday, September 5th.  He is this amazing, beautiful, healthy little boy - about 1 year of age.  I am so thrilled!  So much to do!  Checked into flights today and they are up about $800 since my first trip back in April. Ouch - but all worth it in the end to bring my son home.  Stay tuned. I will post again once I get to Moscow labor day weekend.

The wait continues!

I won't go into all the details but yes - still waiting.  I have been home 3 months since Trip 1 to Moscow and am anxious to get back for Trip 1 (round 2).  I am hopeful for good news in early August.  Please keep your fingers, toes, knees, eyes and whatever other body part you choose crossed for good luck.  Prayers certainly welcomed as well.

And for my little one, out there waiting patiently too, hang on sweet one!  Your mommy will be there soon to love you for a lifetime (and your big sister Clare is ready to meet you and probably boss you around for a lifetime too)!

The agony of choice

Just wanted to post a quick update.  I am really close to finally having my dossier back up to speed and ready to be submitted again.  My medical took much longer than expected which has been the primary hold-up.  Now I am just waiting for my apostilled birth certificates and I am good to go!  How funny that I needed to update my birth certificates - as if they will somehow have changed.  Anyway - just the red tape that goes along with international adoption.  So - I hope to have it sent back off to Carol for the week of June 20th - 2 months after my first trip to Moscow.  Then the wait begins again.  I guess that isn't 100% accurate since truly I have been waiting since I got back.  Regardless of that - the time has been good for me and I feel like I have accomplished quite a bit.

There are so many wonderful things about building your family through international adoption but for me - choice has definitely not been one of those wonderful things.  In fact - choice has made this such a rough road this time around.   The choice I made in Moscow, turning down my referral was the hardest decision of my life.  It was the right decision for me, for Clare, for that sweet angel and for the parents who are waiting for her to find them.  Doesn't lessen the pain though.  So when I came back I gave a lot of thought to this idea of choice.  I felt somehow in control because we have the appearance of choice in our adoption journeys.  We get to choose the country, choose our agency, choose the gender of our child, choose the age range, choose the ethnicity, choose the types of medical issues which are acceptable.   After my first trip to Moscow, I questioned - is the choice really mine anyway?  I am not sure it is.  My child is out there waiting for me.  I need to turn this over to God.  So I decided to give up my choice - at least in terms of gender which has been a huge decision point for me in the past.  I decided to let God bring me to my child.  So -  Carol and I talked and I have opened my heart to the possibility of a little boy.  Well, it is probably better to say, I have opened my heart for God to show me the path - boy or girl.  I will stay registered in the Moscow region but Carol mentioned St. Pete's might be a possibility too so I am sending in 2 dossiers this time around.    Since then, I converted the nursery from a pink safari to a brown safari.  I suppose a girl still could be in my future but I felt the need to really get myself ready for a son and having that nursery done was a huge emotional step and really helped me to start wrapping my mind around parenting a boy as a single mom.  It is so funny how that nursery plays a role in our adoption journeys, isn't it?  Sometimes the painful reminder of our wait.  Sometimes, the stress point if we don't have it done and ready.  For me this time around, an emotional hurdle I needed to cross to feel as if a boy was really, truly a possibility.  It is just paint and pictures and furniture but what an impact.  Anyone else know what I mean?

This journey has definitely challenged me emotionally and spiritually but I am in a great place  Certainly I still have my freak out moments about parenting 2 crazy kiddos by myself but every parent goes through that - single or married.  The excitement, anticipation, and love far outweighs the nerves.

Here we go again.  Hopefully I will have travel news for sometime in August or September.  I have no idea on timing.  Until then I will enjoy the summer with Clare, be happy the cicadas in Nashville are finally dying off, and just keep praying for God to protect and watch over my child, wherever he or she is, until we are brought together.

Searching...

It has been a long journey.  I am heading back to Nashville without an accepted referral.  We have changed our flights and leave tomorrow instead of Saturday.  Today, I turned down what everyone considers a perfectly healthy little girl.  I don't know why.  I am at a loss for words to explain it.  All I know is that when I looked at her, when I held her, even when that sweet angel fell asleep in my arms today, I just knew in my heart that she wasn't my daughter.  Is it 2nd child syndrome as Svetlana believes?  Is it that I hadn't allowed myself to believe she was healthy for so long that I couldn't open myself up to her even when all the signs indicated she was perfectly healthy?  Is it something else altogether?  I knew doors might close for me.  I never imagined I would be the one to close one though.

I believe I made the right decision about my referral although I might never understand it.  I also believe that CSS will bring that sweet angel to her true parents.   I hold on to the faith that the right child will be brought to me (or me to her/him as the case may be).

Thanks to everyone for your love and support.

Happy Easter from Moscow

We are here!  Mom and I landed in Moscow with no problems.  Other than being 10hrs long, the flight was just fine.  My translator, Tanya, met us at the airport along with my driver, Alexander.   Tanya shared that she will be my translator for all 3 trips which is great!  I don't have a picture yet but will get one tomorrow. We got to the Courtyard around noon.  Tanya showed us where the market was, how to walk to Red Square, etc.  She is also very concerned about how expensive everything is in Moscow so she strongly recommended we try to eat as much as possible at McDonalds.  She subsequently proceeded to give me directions to 3 McDonalds - all within walking distance of the hotel.   I appreciate her looking out for my best interests (and my pocketbook) as international adoptions can put a dent in the pocketbook for sure.

So, once Tanya left - mom and I headed down to Red Square.  What an amazing site!  The pictures 1) are not great and 2) do not do it justice.   Now, we are back at the hotel, unpacked and trying to decide which of the 3 McDonalds to hit for dinner.  Just kidding!  We are trying to decide where to go for dinner but it won't be Mickey D's - not yet anyway.

Tomorrow, Tanya and Alexander pick us up at 10am to go to the Ministry of Education and then off to meet my referral - about a 2hr car ride from Moscow.  I don't do well in cars, especially in the backseat, so 4hrs a day should be sheer joy for me.  I bought these Seaband wrist things before I left.  They say they cure all kinds of motion sickness, including car - I will find out soon enough.

My next post will be end of day tomorrow - hopefully with good news about my referral.  

For now - here are some pics from the journey so far. 

Baba in front of St. Basil's in Red Square

Beautiful St. Basil's - loaded with tourists on Easter Sunday

Lenin's Tomb

The market where we bought water and Pringles!