Saturday, November 6, 2010

The waiting game

So, I am waiting and waiting and waiting.  Svetlana's meetings at the MOE have been delayed or cancelled or there is a holiday so I continue to wait.  I know in my heart that I will be brought to my daughter at the right time - but the waiting gets old.  Plus, those of you who know me well know that patience is far from my strong suit.

While I have been waiting, I go from periods of calm to periods of complete panic.  I have this amazing little life with my daughter Clare.  She is sheer joy in my life.  Easy going, laid back, well behaved, smart, funny, beautiful, loving, kind, inquisitive, and quite tall actually...  She makes my life easy.  When I am calm, I look forward to having a 2nd daughter and for Clare to be a big sister.  I am excited to watch her and her sister become great friends, to see them grow into amazing girls and then women someday.  I think about them sharing clothes and secrets - having sleepovers in each others rooms, all the fun things that sisters do.  I laugh about how I am sure I won't be laughing someday when they argue and pull each other's hair and scream "stop touching me!" as they have knock down, drag out girl fights. Everything that goes along with being a family - I can't wait!

Then the panic sets in...  when I am in a panic, I wonder what in the world I am doing.   I use much stronger language in my own mind when I ask that question but I will leave those words to your imagination.  Why do I want to disrupt our peaceful life?  How am I going to do this with 2?  How will I be able to watch 2 of them at the same time without losing one? Will I love this 2nd child as much as I love Clare?  All my friends say I will - that it just happens because that is what parents do.  Are they telling me the truth or just trying to calm me down?  How will I balance the demands of my job with being a single mom of 2?  Can I do this?  Total Panic!

Then I take a deep breath, have faith in God's plan, and ... continue waiting, waiting, waiting.

Baby girl #2 - I am waiting and hopeful and ready to fill my heart again in love for you - panic and all!  I know you will find us when you are ready... until then - waiting, waiting, waiting (with a beautiful Hallween Ballerina to keep me company)...