Saturday, June 11, 2011

The agony of choice

Just wanted to post a quick update.  I am really close to finally having my dossier back up to speed and ready to be submitted again.  My medical took much longer than expected which has been the primary hold-up.  Now I am just waiting for my apostilled birth certificates and I am good to go!  How funny that I needed to update my birth certificates - as if they will somehow have changed.  Anyway - just the red tape that goes along with international adoption.  So - I hope to have it sent back off to Carol for the week of June 20th - 2 months after my first trip to Moscow.  Then the wait begins again.  I guess that isn't 100% accurate since truly I have been waiting since I got back.  Regardless of that - the time has been good for me and I feel like I have accomplished quite a bit.

There are so many wonderful things about building your family through international adoption but for me - choice has definitely not been one of those wonderful things.  In fact - choice has made this such a rough road this time around.   The choice I made in Moscow, turning down my referral was the hardest decision of my life.  It was the right decision for me, for Clare, for that sweet angel and for the parents who are waiting for her to find them.  Doesn't lessen the pain though.  So when I came back I gave a lot of thought to this idea of choice.  I felt somehow in control because we have the appearance of choice in our adoption journeys.  We get to choose the country, choose our agency, choose the gender of our child, choose the age range, choose the ethnicity, choose the types of medical issues which are acceptable.   After my first trip to Moscow, I questioned - is the choice really mine anyway?  I am not sure it is.  My child is out there waiting for me.  I need to turn this over to God.  So I decided to give up my choice - at least in terms of gender which has been a huge decision point for me in the past.  I decided to let God bring me to my child.  So -  Carol and I talked and I have opened my heart to the possibility of a little boy.  Well, it is probably better to say, I have opened my heart for God to show me the path - boy or girl.  I will stay registered in the Moscow region but Carol mentioned St. Pete's might be a possibility too so I am sending in 2 dossiers this time around.    Since then, I converted the nursery from a pink safari to a brown safari.  I suppose a girl still could be in my future but I felt the need to really get myself ready for a son and having that nursery done was a huge emotional step and really helped me to start wrapping my mind around parenting a boy as a single mom.  It is so funny how that nursery plays a role in our adoption journeys, isn't it?  Sometimes the painful reminder of our wait.  Sometimes, the stress point if we don't have it done and ready.  For me this time around, an emotional hurdle I needed to cross to feel as if a boy was really, truly a possibility.  It is just paint and pictures and furniture but what an impact.  Anyone else know what I mean?

This journey has definitely challenged me emotionally and spiritually but I am in a great place  Certainly I still have my freak out moments about parenting 2 crazy kiddos by myself but every parent goes through that - single or married.  The excitement, anticipation, and love far outweighs the nerves.

Here we go again.  Hopefully I will have travel news for sometime in August or September.  I have no idea on timing.  Until then I will enjoy the summer with Clare, be happy the cicadas in Nashville are finally dying off, and just keep praying for God to protect and watch over my child, wherever he or she is, until we are brought together.