Hoping, praying, holding on

So, I received 2 pictures with birth and current measurements for my referral earlier this week.  She is a sweet little angel and looks so happy.  Definitely a few concerns that cannot be resolved until I see her in person with Dr. M so I am totally driving myself crazy worrying about FAS right now.  Carol has been great trying to keep me level headed and calm until I make the trip in 5 weeks but that is going to be a LONG 5 weeks.  Does she or doesn't she have a pronounced enough philtrum?  Does she or doesn't she have enough upper lip?  What happened with her birth mother?  I thought just the plain ol' waiting was hard... now I am waiting with so many questions swirling in my head.  I am just praying for clarity in that moment when I am called to make a decision.  It is all I can do I suppose.

What if I turn her down and come home without a referral?  Every day, Russia grows more and more difficult, particularly for single parents.  I guess I need to prepare myself that this door could close.  I am so blessed with sweet monkey Clare so I will be happy and proud to be her mother alone but I so want her to be a big sister and to share her life with a sibling.  I have always thought it would be a sister.  Am I willing to consider a little boy?  Do sons need fathers?  I know so many boys who don't have dads - whether it is from divorce or adoption or tragedy.  Other single moms I know with boys are doing just great.  Could I?

So many questions - no answers right now.  Hoping, praying, holding on...

Keeping Busy

6 weeks left until I leave for Moscow!  In the meantime, Clare has started soccer.  First game was today for Team Portugal and #4!  What pure entertainment to watch 3-years olds running around the soccer field.  Couldn't ask for a better distraction from the torture of waiting...

New Travel Dates

God has a plan!  WOOHOO!  I have new travel dates for an amazing little angel in the Moscow region.  It has been a long week with some serious lows but all things happen for a reason.  Carol called me yesterday with news of a referral for me in Moscow and confirmed today that I am cleared to arrive on Sunday, April 24 (Easter) and will meet this darling on Monday.  I changed my flights today, changed the dates on my visa, and sent off for FBI clearance.  Carol and the CSS team have been so amazing and supportive during a really difficult time.  I feel super blessed to have them working so hard on my behalf.   Long journey yet ahead but am excited and hopeful and ready to meet my new daughter.  Can you believe it?  For those of you that have been on the emotional roller coaster with me this past week - thank you for the love and support and certainly for the prayers.  I have the best family and friends in the world!