Saturday, March 19, 2011

Hoping, praying, holding on

So, I received 2 pictures with birth and current measurements for my referral earlier this week.  She is a sweet little angel and looks so happy.  Definitely a few concerns that cannot be resolved until I see her in person with Dr. M so I am totally driving myself crazy worrying about FAS right now.  Carol has been great trying to keep me level headed and calm until I make the trip in 5 weeks but that is going to be a LONG 5 weeks.  Does she or doesn't she have a pronounced enough philtrum?  Does she or doesn't she have enough upper lip?  What happened with her birth mother?  I thought just the plain ol' waiting was hard... now I am waiting with so many questions swirling in my head.  I am just praying for clarity in that moment when I am called to make a decision.  It is all I can do I suppose.

What if I turn her down and come home without a referral?  Every day, Russia grows more and more difficult, particularly for single parents.  I guess I need to prepare myself that this door could close.  I am so blessed with sweet monkey Clare so I will be happy and proud to be her mother alone but I so want her to be a big sister and to share her life with a sibling.  I have always thought it would be a sister.  Am I willing to consider a little boy?  Do sons need fathers?  I know so many boys who don't have dads - whether it is from divorce or adoption or tragedy.  Other single moms I know with boys are doing just great.  Could I?

So many questions - no answers right now.  Hoping, praying, holding on...


  1. Ohhh the questions! We leave on Saturday for trip number 2. When I think back to how close we were to not going to meet our son, my stomach turns in knots. Almost all of my concerns about FAS went out the window when we started to play and interact with him. That doesn't mean that 'things' will come to a head later in life but that is the case with EVERY child. My hope for you is that you will have the same sense of 'knowing' once you meet this precious little girl!

  2. Aaa, that is such a hard battle to overcome. I too, have concerns over the little one that we have a referral for. I'm praying that she is fine and will be praying that for you as well.
    We are waiting for an invitation to Vladivostok. Our paperwork is there but I had to send 2 additional papers. I hope that as you travel you find peace. :-)