It has been a long journey. I am heading back to Nashville without an accepted referral. We have changed our flights and leave tomorrow instead of Saturday. Today, I turned down what everyone considers a perfectly healthy little girl. I don't know why. I am at a loss for words to explain it. All I know is that when I looked at her, when I held her, even when that sweet angel fell asleep in my arms today, I just knew in my heart that she wasn't my daughter. Is it 2nd child syndrome as Svetlana believes? Is it that I hadn't allowed myself to believe she was healthy for so long that I couldn't open myself up to her even when all the signs indicated she was perfectly healthy? Is it something else altogether? I knew doors might close for me. I never imagined I would be the one to close one though.
I believe I made the right decision about my referral although I might never understand it. I also believe that CSS will bring that sweet angel to her true parents. I hold on to the faith that the right child will be brought to me (or me to her/him as the case may be).
Thanks to everyone for your love and support.