Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Searching...

It has been a long journey.  I am heading back to Nashville without an accepted referral.  We have changed our flights and leave tomorrow instead of Saturday.  Today, I turned down what everyone considers a perfectly healthy little girl.  I don't know why.  I am at a loss for words to explain it.  All I know is that when I looked at her, when I held her, even when that sweet angel fell asleep in my arms today, I just knew in my heart that she wasn't my daughter.  Is it 2nd child syndrome as Svetlana believes?  Is it that I hadn't allowed myself to believe she was healthy for so long that I couldn't open myself up to her even when all the signs indicated she was perfectly healthy?  Is it something else altogether?  I knew doors might close for me.  I never imagined I would be the one to close one though.

I believe I made the right decision about my referral although I might never understand it.  I also believe that CSS will bring that sweet angel to her true parents.   I hold on to the faith that the right child will be brought to me (or me to her/him as the case may be).

Thanks to everyone for your love and support.

7 comments:

  1. The whys don't matter. God has other plans for your family as well as that little girl. You will find your little one...just not on this trip.

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  2. My heart goes out to you. I admire your strength and patience to wait for the right child. Wishing you a safe return home.

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  3. I definitely admire your strength and your ability to trust your instincts. I second that God has a plan for you, Clare and that little girl.

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  4. I understand. We turned down our first referral on our second adoption and I second guessed myself for the longest time. If you want to talk I'm at staylor602@hotmail.com

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  5. To have the strength to make the right decision can be hard. Thinking of you....

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  6. Hi Kathy,
    I finally located your blog and wanted to say how very sorry I am that you had to go through this. I agree with everyone else that there is a different plan for you. Hang in there and I just know when you meet your child, you will understand!
    Teresa

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  7. I can't say that I understand because Nickolas was our first referral, but I am so sorry to hear this. You have to trust your instincts and know that it will all work out for you, Claire and that little girl.

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